Impeachment, like any exciting spectator sport, has a language all its own. Yes, some of the players will speak plain old English. You will hear them use quaint Anglo-Saxon terms like "truth," "crime," and "duty." These are Republicans.

BUT THE DEMOCRATS like to really jazz things up, locution-wise. No standard, off-the-rack English for them, no sir! In fact, the words used by Democrats in and about these hearings are so customized, so utterly creative, that most non-Democrats will not understand them without a translation key. Here, pro bono publico, is my guide to liberal lexicon:

Partisan: A Republican with beliefs.
Extremist: An effective Republican with beliefs.
Bipartisan: A Republican who forsakes his beliefs.
Nonpartisan: A Democrat.
Moderate: (see Bipartisan)
Investigation: Process whereby facts are obtained and charges made against an accuser by the accused.
Impeachment: 1. (Contemporary) An odious, medieval form of political torture to be contemplated only in the case of open presidential espionage and mass murder. 2. (Ancient, circa 1974) Perfectly legitimate means for the prosecution and removal of a Republican president.
Censure: A minor technical rebuke - carrying absolutely no legal or moral weight - reluctantly delivered to a well-intentioned Democrat, for the purpose of covering the political posteriors of his defenders, both Democrat and Moderate.
Perjury: 1. A theoretically possible but practically non-existent offense in which a Democrat witness under oath, like, okay, doesn't tell the whole truth about something that is strictly personal and nobody's business - especially that right-wing zealot Ken Starr. 2. Any sworn testimony of a Republican.
Unfair: Perfectly legal and proper, but disadvantageous to my case.
Fair: Ignoring or bending the rules, advantageous to my case.
Abuse of Power: Republican efforts to apply the laws of the United States of America to a Democratic President.
Obstruction of Justice: Ken Starr.
Public Opinion: The will of the American people, as imagined by Democrats.
The Constitution: A totally flexible, entirely optional document to be invoked ("our heritage") or disdained ("an embarrassing antique written by dead white European male slave-owners") depending on situational ethics and political convenience.
Office of Independent Counsel: Unconstitutional violation of our heritage. A hideous mistake and gruesome outrage signed into law by Bill Clinton in anticipation of its being used to do to Republicans what it is, instead, being used to do to a Democrat.
Overzealous: Takes oath of office seriously.
High crimes and misdemeanors: Who the hell knows what old guys in breeches meant? Too ancient and vague to define. In any case, certainly cannot apply here.
Sex: An act that defies definition, but everybody does it.
Adultery: But everybody does it.
Lying to the American Public: Politics
Crime: 1. Prosecution of a Democrat. 2. Ken Starr's investigation.
Justice: 1. Total exoneration of a Democrat. 2. Prosecution of Ken Starr.
Boycott: A destructive, infantile but sometimes politically beneficial tantrum invoked when democratic rules are followed.
Republican Opponent of Impeachment: Sucker.
Morality: No listing found.
Duty: No listing found.
Honor: No listing found.
Patriotism: No listing found.
Right & Wrong: No listing found.