For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1.
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this
week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it
when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's
something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She
showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think
just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points.
Enjoyed watching the aerobics class.
Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was
already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking
to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the
air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made
it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.
Day 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I
have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as
I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a
little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other
club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster.
Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by the invention of elevators ? Tanya told me regular
exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to
tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya.
The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room
until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the
rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in
the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in
extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good
idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya, I don't
have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me
any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU
went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back
into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I
lacked
the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours
of the weather
channel.
Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my
wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling
at the dentist.