1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.
3. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
4. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and carburetors.
5. Shopping is not a sport.
6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
7. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
8. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
9. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we would be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
10. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
11. A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
12. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
13. Don't give us rules.
14. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
15. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
16. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
17. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
19. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.