-Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
-Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
-Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
-When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
-Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
-Birth control would come in ale or lager.
-You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
-Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
-The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
-"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
-At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
-It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
-Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
-Tanks would be far easier to rent.
-Garbage would take itself out.
-Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
-Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
-Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
-On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
-St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same, But it would be celebrated every month.
-Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
-Two words: Ally McNaked.
-The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
-The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
-It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
-Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
-When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
-Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
-Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
-Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation